An Explanation of Sorts

I know, things like hiatuses and “Hey, everybody, I’m back!” posts are frowned upon and advised against by the “How To Blog Good ‘n’ Shit” community, but I never promised to be a good blogger. Just A blogger.

My hiatus, such as it was, was mostly due to the severe depression that hits me two to four times a year. It was implied in the last post but not called out. I don’t recall if I’ve ever mentioned it until now. I hadn’t used the tag “depression” until now, anyway.

Those who experience depression know that it just happens, regardless of life’s circumstances. And to those who espouse the “You’re as happy as you make up your mind to–MMM!! MMMMPPPPHGHGH!” – ah, sorry, that was the sound of them being forcibly removed. I won’t stoop to vulgarities like Sod Off, but please do refrain from that sentiment. It’s bollocks.

I eluded to the rut I was in, in the previous post. The severe depression is the cause. My effort to “unplug” and just write or work on artwork failed, thanks to it. It turns me into one of the most useless creatures on earth, for myself and others. Because I don’t want to be fired from work, the tiniest inklings of energy and focus that I have go into my work, and once that’s done, I’ve got nothing left.

So… no writing got done, no art projects were continued. Hell, clean clothes weren’t even put away, and my drumming for church sounded like a big pile of loud shit. Actually, the last part is true no matter what my state of mind is in.

To make this a tiny bit less of a Pity Party, another thing that’s been on my mind, to address the How to Blog Good ‘n’ Shit community, is that this specific blog has not ended up how I want it to be. If you’ve read this post this far, THANK YOU. It is always appreciated. I know that the blog subtitle says “Stories and Navel-gazing” right there, but the navel-gazing has always bothered me. I realize now that I don’t want it to be here. I only want the stories: fictional and the occasional True-Life Adventures.

I’m contemplating adding yet another blog to my account (making four, yay!) specifically for NG, move any past NG posts to it, delete the ones here, and maybe rename this blog Herdthinner’s Storytime, or something like that. I might have no readers/followers whatsoever for it, but at least it’ll have a direction. But sorry – unless I can find an artist who can capture how I picture my main character Mara exactly, there won’t be any pictures. I can tell you who the eponymous Prince looks like – Aidan Turner (clean-shaven) – but Mara herself continues to elude me.

Anyway, that’s something like an explanation and a plan, I hope. I also intend for the NG blog to be less, ah, angry than this post. My intention is for “humor” to be a tag more often than not. We shall see!


About herdthinner

Writer and artist who pays the bills with another job
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7 Responses to An Explanation of Sorts

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I’m sorry to hear about the depth of your depression. Been there, done that, except I pull away from everything EXCEPT writing. So far, at least.

    I can understand wanting to keep the NG separate from everything else; if you decide to split it out you know I will be there on both sites.

    Take care and reach out if you need anything. Seriously. ((Hugs))

    • herdthinner says:

      Thank you. I get so very few comments on any of my blogs, and if means a lot to see some kind words.

      I’ve been in mega-write mode before, but under different circumstances. I was experiencing huge amounts of stress that triggered anxiety, not depression. The writing was my release valve. I wrote during every waking moment that I could that wasn’t at work. Even time with friends / family aggravated the stress because it meant not writing. And I otherwise have a good relationship with my mother!

      For the depression, I pull away from anything and everything productive. Lately I’ve been playing PS3 games that I’ve already completed. Fun, sure, but a waste of time. So then the guilt pops in.

  2. Depression is such a drag!! I’m glad you’re out the other side.

    • herdthinner says:

      More or less. I just wish I could get more productive about things, instead of mucking about online and/or playing video games.

      • I always think of depression as a tunnel, that can get too narrow so that I’m crawling and other times I’m standing and hardly notice the walls. Perhaps your goals are scary, and so you are unconsciously avoiding them. When the tunnel is narrow, I try to eek out an hour of writing, making my goal maybe a paragraph. Then if that works, I try two hours. Then if I achieve my goal, I can play as much as I like without guilt. Take care, my friend. Warmly, Brenda

        • herdthinner says:

          That’s a good way to describe depression. I shall steal the analogy! Lately I’ve had zero discipline to work on anything that isn’t unproductive and a colossal waste of time. I need to get that discipline back. The reward system isn’t working. I go straight to the reward and stay there until bedtime. Rinse and repeat. This will piss off my paying customer pretty quickly, I’m afraid.

        • Hmm, well, I will keep my fingers crossed that you come to an even wider part of the tunnel, with windows. 🙂

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